Demand Avoidance in Adults and Children: What It Feels Like and How to Support It
Aug 11, 2026
Demand Avoidance in Adults and Children: What It Feels Like and How to Support It.
Put yourself in this situation: You just need to send an email.
Nothing particularly terrifying.
Nobody’s asking you to perform on stage, wrestle a bear or explain where all the missing socks go.
Just send an email.
You know it needs doing.
You actually want to do it.
And yet, the second your brain changes it from something I could do into something I have to do…
Nope.
Suddenly you’re making a cup of tea.
Checking something completely unrelated on your phone.
Remembering that cupboard you’ve been meaning to organise since 2022.
And becoming increasingly annoyed with yourself because:
“WHY CAN’T I JUST DO THE THING?”
If you recognise this in yourself or someone you care about, you may have come across the term demand avoidance.
Demand avoidance is often discussed alongside autism and ADHD, and you may also hear the terms PDA, Pathological Demand Avoidance, or Extreme Demand Avoidance.
But before we go anywhere near labels, I want to talk about something much more useful:
What does demand avoidance actually feel like?
Because what looks like refusal from the outside can feel completely different on the inside.
What is demand avoidance?
Demand avoidance describes difficulty responding to something when it feels like a demand, expectation, pressure or loss of autonomy.
That demand might come from somebody else:
“Get dressed.”
“Reply to that email.”
“Come downstairs.”
“You need to finish this today.”
But it can also come from ourselves:
“I should shower.”
“I need to go to bed.”
“I really must reply.”
“I have to get this finished.”
And sometimes something we genuinely want to do becomes much harder the moment our brain registers it as something we have to do.
Research into what has traditionally been called Pathological Demand Avoidance is still developing.
A 2021 systematic review found that the research base was small and raised important questions about how PDA has been defined and measured. More recent reviews have continued to describe the field as contested and methodologically limited.
So I'm not here to diagnose anybody from a list on the internet.
I'm much more interested in asking:
What is happening for this person that makes this particular demand feel so difficult?
Is PDA the same as autism?
Not exactly.
PDA is frequently discussed in relation to autism, but it is not currently established as a standalone diagnosis in the major diagnostic systems.
Researchers disagree about whether PDA represents a distinct profile, a cluster of traits that can occur alongside autism, or behaviour that might be better understood through factors such as anxiety, uncertainty, emotional regulation, autonomy and individual life experience.
Research has identified associations between autistic traits, anxiety and higher levels of extreme demand avoidance, including in adults.
But an association isn't the same as saying:
“Autism causes demand avoidance.”
or:
“All demand avoidance is caused by anxiety.”
Human beings are slightly more complicated than that.
And frankly, I'm glad we are.
“I was going to do it until you told me to.”
Imagine a teenager lying on the sofa.
They notice their empty glass sitting on the table.
They think:
I'll take that into the kitchen in a minute.
Then somebody walks past and says:
“Can you take that glass into the kitchen please?”
Suddenly something changes.
A moment ago, carrying the glass out was their idea.
Now it feels like somebody else's instruction.
Their shoulders tighten.
Irritation appears from seemingly nowhere.
“I KNOW.”
“I was GOING to.”
“Stop telling me what to do.”
The parent standing there might understandably think:
Good grief. I only asked about a glass.
But the teenager might be just as confused by the strength of their own reaction.
Because this isn't necessarily:
“I have decided that I'm going to be difficult.”
It might feel more like:
“Something in me suddenly needs to regain control.”
That's an important difference.
What can demand avoidance feel like?
Demand avoidance doesn't necessarily feel like consciously deciding not to cooperate.
For some people it can feel physical.
Tension.
A sinking stomach.
Agitation.
Restlessness.
Feeling trapped.
Feeling suddenly angry.
The urge to escape.
Or simply an enormous internal:
NO.
Sometimes the person themselves doesn't understand why it's happening.
They know the task is reasonable.
They know it needs doing.
They may even be frustrated because they genuinely want to do it.
Yet the more pressure they apply to themselves, the harder it becomes.
That's where the inner critic often joins in.
“Come on.”
“Stop being ridiculous.”
“Everyone else can manage this.”
“Why are you so lazy?”
And now we've added shame to something that was already difficult.
Imagine putting all those thoughts into your rucksack.
The original task is still sitting there.
But now you're carrying self-criticism, guilt and the fear that you're disappointing everybody too.
That's quite a heavy rucksack for something that supposedly requires you to “just get on with it”.
Demand avoidance can happen with things you enjoy
This is one of the most confusing aspects of demand avoidance.
People sometimes assume:
“If they really wanted to do it, they'd do it.”
Except wanting something and being able to initiate it aren't always the same thing.
Someone might desperately want to:
See their friends.
Reply to somebody they love.
Play a game.
Attend an event.
Go on holiday.
Eat.
Shower.
Go to sleep.
Start a hobby.
Watch a programme they've been looking forward to.
Then the moment it becomes scheduled, expected or necessary…
their brain pushes back.
Think of the difference between:
“I might watch that programme tonight.”
and:
“I HAVE to watch it tonight because I've told someone I'll finish it.”
Same programme.
Completely different feeling.
For some neurodivergent people, autonomy isn't a luxury.
It can be closely connected with feeling safe enough to act.
Why can demand avoidance happen?
There's unlikely to be one single answer.
Research has explored links between demand avoidance and anxiety, autistic traits and intolerance of uncertainty, while qualitative work suggests psychologists themselves often see demand avoidance as complex and influenced by multiple interacting factors.
So rather than forcing one explanation onto everybody, I prefer to think about possibilities.
The demand might feel like a loss of control
Imagine your brain has a slightly overenthusiastic security guard.
Its job is protection.
Lovely intention.
Questionable execution.
A demand arrives.
The security guard looks at it and says:
“Excuse me. Who authorised this?”
Somebody else deciding what happens next?
Expectation?
Possibility of getting it wrong?
Less freedom to choose?
🚨 SOUND THE ALARM. 🚨
The person might then regain a feeling of control by delaying, negotiating, avoiding, changing the subject or simply saying no.
Not necessarily because they don't care.
Because control might make the situation feel safer.
Anxiety may be part of the picture
Research in adults has found that both autistic traits and anxiety predict higher levels of extreme demand avoidance.
That doesn't mean anxiety explains everything.
But for some people a demand might bring thoughts like:
“What if I can't do it?”
“What if I get it wrong?”
“What happens afterwards?”
“What if I can't cope?”
Avoiding the demand temporarily removes those uncomfortable feelings.
And the brain learns:
Avoiding = relief.
Helpful in the short term.
Not always so helpful when avoidance begins shrinking somebody's life.
Uncertainty can make demands heavier
A demand might sound simple to somebody else:
“Get ready. We're going out.”
But the neurodivergent brain might immediately have another 47 questions.
Where?
Who will be there?
How long?
What am I wearing?
When are we coming back?
Will it be noisy?
What happens when we arrive?
Can I leave if it's too much?
Research involving autistic people more broadly has found strong relationships between intolerance of uncertainty and anxiety.
So sometimes what appears to be resistance to the activity may actually be difficulty with everything surrounding it.
How to support someone with demand avoidance
If someone's nervous system is already shouting NO, shouting YES YOU WILL back at it rarely creates calm.
It usually creates a louder battle.
Supporting someone with demand avoidance doesn't mean removing every expectation from their life.
Nor does it mean abandoning boundaries.
It means becoming curious about how those demands are communicated and whether unnecessary pressure can be reduced.
1. Give genuine choices
Instead of:
“You need to get dressed now.”
Try:
“Would getting dressed before or after breakfast work better?”
Instead of:
“You need to start your homework.”
Try:
“Which bit feels easiest to start with?”
The important word here is genuine.
“Would you like to do it now or immediately?” isn't really a choice.
And neurodivergent brains are generally quite good at spotting pretend choices.
2. Work with them, not against them
Try replacing:
“You need to…”
with:
“How could we make this easier?”
You might ask:
“Do you want some help starting?”
“Would you rather I stay or give you space?”
“Which bit feels difficult?”
“Shall we work out the first step together?”
This moves the interaction from:
me versus you
to:
us versus the problem.
That's a very different emotional experience.
3. Reduce demands that don't actually matter
Sometimes we don't realise how many instructions we're giving.
Imagine a school morning:
Get up.
Get dressed.
Come downstairs.
Eat.
Drink something.
Brush your teeth.
Have you got your bag?
Put your shoes on.
Not those shoes.
Where's your coat?
Have you got your water bottle?
Come on.
We're late.
And it's only 8:15am.
If demands are difficult for someone, that can feel relentless.
So occasionally ask yourself:
Does this need to happen?
and:
Does it need to happen exactly this way?
Some things genuinely aren't negotiable.
Other things are simply how we've always done them.
There is a difference.
4. Increase predictability
If uncertainty is adding to the pressure, give information before it becomes urgent.
Instead of appearing at 1:55 saying:
“SHOES! WE'RE LEAVING!”
try:
“We're planning to leave around two. I'll remind you at half past one.”
You could also explain:
Where you're going.
Approximately how long you'll be there.
Who will be present.
What options they have.
What happens if they become overwhelmed.
Predictability can help turn an unknown demand into something the brain has had time to process.
5. Be careful with repeated reminders
For one person, reminders are helpful.
For another, every reminder increases the feeling of being controlled.
And another person might want reminders, but only in writing.
This is why I don't love blanket rules about neurodivergence.
Ask:
“How would you like me to remind you?”
You might be surprised how useful the answer is.
6. Notice whether the person is already overwhelmed
Sometimes the demand isn't actually the main problem.
It's simply the final thing being added to an already overloaded system.
Imagine your brain has spent the day managing:
Noise.
People.
Conversation.
Masking.
Changes.
Decisions.
Sensory input.
Work.
School.
Travel.
Expectations.
Then somebody asks:
“Can you just put the washing away?”
It might look like the washing caused the response.
It may simply have been the final brick.
Reducing overload first can sometimes make the original demand much easier.
What if you're an adult experiencing demand avoidance?
Adults can experience demand avoidance too.
And one particularly frustrating part is that you can become the person making demands of yourself.
Nobody else has told you to reply to that email.
Yet:
“I should reply today.”
quickly becomes:
“I MUST reply today.”
Now there's pressure.
So you avoid it.
Tomorrow arrives.
Now you've got:
“I REALLY need to reply because I've left it too long.”
More pressure.
More avoidance.
Eventually the email feels like it's developed teeth.
If you recognise this, try changing the internal language.
Instead of:
“I have to.”
experiment with:
“I could.”
or:
“I'm choosing to do this because…”
You might also ask:
What is making this feel like a threat rather than a task?
Is it boring?
Too big?
Unclear?
Are there too many steps?
Are you worried about somebody's response?
Do you need help?
Would body doubling make starting easier?
Could you do it in an unconventional way?
You don't need to bulldoze change.
Let's try gentle nudges instead.
Demand avoidance isn't the same as laziness
I think this deserves its own heading.
Because so many neurodivergent adults grow up believing:
“I'm lazy.”
Yet they can spend extraordinary amounts of energy worrying about everything they're apparently too lazy to do.
That's not a particularly relaxing form of laziness, is it?
Someone avoiding a demand may be using enormous mental energy trying to overcome their own resistance.
They may care deeply.
They may desperately want to succeed.
They may hate disappointing other people.
The problem isn't necessarily motivation.
The problem might be that their brain currently experiences the task, expectation or loss of autonomy as something it needs to escape from.
Let's take the shame out of this.
Because shame rarely creates the conditions for somebody to feel safer.
From “they won't” to “what's happening?”
If you remember one thing from this blog, make it this.
Try swapping:
“They won't.”
for:
“Something is making this difficult.”
And if it's happening to you:
Swap:
“What's wrong with me?”
for:
“What's happening for me?”
One leads towards criticism.
The other leads towards curiosity.
That doesn't mean everything suddenly becomes easy.
It means we're finally asking a question that might help us understand what the person actually needs.
Supporting neurodivergent people shouldn't be about making them look more compliant.
It should be about helping people understand their brains, communicate their needs and participate in life without spending every day fighting themselves.
Your brain's just doing its job.
Sometimes it has become a little overprotective.
We don't have to shame it into submission.
We can understand it.
Work alongside it.
And slowly build another road.
One with more autonomy.
More understanding.
And considerably fewer potholes.
If demand avoidance, anxiety or neurodivergence is making everyday life feel like a constant battle — for you or somebody you care about — counselling can offer a non-judgemental place to unpack what's sitting in that rucksack.
You don't need another person telling you what you should be doing.
Sometimes you need somewhere safe enough to work out why doing it feels so difficult in the first place.
You're welcome to book an intro call with me.
“Sometimes ‘I can't’ comes out sounding like ‘I won't’. Before adding more pressure, get curious about what the nervous system might be asking for.”
Frequently Asked Questions About Demand Avoidance
What does demand avoidance feel like?
It can feel different for different people. Some describe feeling trapped, irritated, anxious, overwhelmed or suddenly unable to begin something once it becomes expected of them. The person may genuinely want to complete the task while simultaneously experiencing a strong urge to avoid it.
Is demand avoidance part of autism?
Demand avoidance is commonly discussed in relation to autism, particularly under the terms PDA and Extreme Demand Avoidance. However, research has not established PDA as a separate universally recognised diagnosis, and researchers continue to debate how demand avoidance should be understood.
Can adults experience demand avoidance?
Yes. Research has explored extreme demand avoidance traits in adults as well as children. Adults may find external demands difficult, but they can also struggle when their own plans, responsibilities or intentions begin to feel like internal demands.
Is demand avoidance caused by anxiety?
Anxiety appears to be associated with demand avoidance for some people, and research has found relationships between anxiety, autistic traits and extreme demand avoidance. However, the evidence doesn't support saying that all demand avoidance is simply caused by anxiety.
How can I help someone with demand avoidance?
Start with curiosity rather than increasing pressure. Genuine choices, collaborative language, reducing unnecessary demands, improving predictability and asking the individual what helps them can all be useful places to begin.
There isn't one perfect script for every neurodivergent person, so support should be adapted to the individual.
Research and Further Reading
The research around PDA and demand avoidance is still developing. Some of the terminology used in these papers, particularly “Pathological Demand Avoidance”, reflects the terminology used by the researchers rather than the language I necessarily prefer in my own therapeutic work.
Kildahl et al. (2021) — Systematic review
Pathological demand avoidance in children and adolescents: A systematic review
This review is particularly useful because it looks critically at the existing PDA evidence base and highlights significant limitations around definitions, measurements and study quality.
PubMed:
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34320869/
DOI:
https://doi.org/10.1177/13623613211034382
White et al. (2022) — Autism, anxiety and demand avoidance in adults
Understanding the Contributions of Trait Autism and Anxiety to Extreme Demand Avoidance in the Adult General Population
Two adult general-population studies examined whether autistic traits and anxiety predicted extreme demand avoidance. Both contributed independently, with autistic traits emerging as the stronger predictor in the analyses.
Full open-access paper:
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9015283/
PubMed:
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/35437676/
DOI:
https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-021-05285-x
O'Nions et al. — Characteristics associated with PDA
Identifying features of 'pathological demand avoidance' using the Diagnostic Interview for Social and Communication Disorders
An earlier study examining characteristics associated with the proposed PDA profile.
Full open-access paper:
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4820467/
DOI:
https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-015-2516-3
Haire et al. (2023) — Psychologists' experiences of demand avoidance
Practicing psychologists' accounts of demand avoidance and extreme demand avoidance in children and adolescents
This qualitative study is useful because it explores how practising psychologists understand demand avoidance in real-world work and reflects the complexity surrounding terminology and conceptualisation.
Full paper:
https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/education/articles/10.3389/feduc.2023.1230014/full
DOI:
https://doi.org/10.3389/feduc.2023.1230014
Haire et al. (2024) — Scoping review of PDA research methods
Methods of studying pathological demand avoidance in children and adolescents: a scoping review
This later review found continued scarcity of empirical research and examined problems with how PDA has historically been studied.
Full paper:
https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/education/articles/10.3389/feduc.2024.1230011/full
DOI:
https://doi.org/10.3389/feduc.2024.1230011
Jenkinson et al. (2020) — Autism, anxiety and intolerance of uncertainty
The relationship between intolerance of uncertainty and anxiety in autism: A systematic literature review and meta-analysis
This isn't specifically a demand-avoidance paper, but it is useful background when considering how unpredictability and uncertainty may contribute to distress for autistic people.
Full open-access paper:
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7539603/
Langton & Frederickson (2016) — Parents' experiences of professional support
Parents' experiences of professionals' involvement for children with extreme demand avoidance
This qualitative research explored what parents valued in professional support for children described as showing extreme demand avoidance.
Full open-access paper:
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8115513/
A note on the evidence
The research does not currently give us enough evidence to say that everyone who avoids demands has PDA, that PDA is a clearly defined standalone condition, or that anxiety is the single cause of demand avoidance.
A 2021 systematic review described significant weaknesses in the evidence base, and a 2024 scoping review again highlighted the relatively small number of empirical studies and methodological difficulties in this area.
So my approach is deliberately person-centred:
Understand the person before trying to explain the behaviour.
Labels may help some people understand themselves.
For others, simply recognising that “something makes demands feel harder for my brain” may be enough to begin replacing shame with curiosity.
